I have never had a dating life. I feel like most if not all of the “relationships” I have formed with guys in the past have been based solely off of sex. I didn’t have sex with all the guys I would talk to, but the connections were only formed and maintained based off of sexual conversations. We didn’t talk about feelings, our families or even friendships. The topics of conversations were only nudes, bodies, sexual preferences – you get the idea.
And I can’t say that I was ok with those types of relationships, but I did settle. I settled mostly because I had and still kind of have confidence issues.
I don’t want to dive too deep into the bullying and family aspects of why I had/have issues with my confidence. I’ll save that for another post. But I will say acne was one of my worst enemies.
My acne was terrible. It started around the 3rd grade and from then on it just got worse. I felt like my acne made me updatable. And I was scared of rejection, so I didn’t even attempt to test my luck by pursuing relationships.
Fast-forward to the summer of 2016. After dozens of dermatologist appointments and endless hours at the gym, my confidence level has raised a couple of notches. I didn’t consciously step into the dating game. It just happened. And it freaked me out!
Guys telling me that I’m beautiful and actually wanting to go out to eat or to the movies was a whole new world for me. It felt weird, but I liked it.
Wait…. I liked the attention. Most of the guys were bleh.
I wouldn’t consider myself the most fun, outgoing or even interesting person. But dammit these niggas were boring! The majority can’t hold a conversation or they have a very limited range of topics they’re knowledgeable about. And I feel like I always end up talking to guys who are terrible texters, it makes me think that everyone but me is a terrible texter. Then some have the nerve to hit me up weeks after our last conversation asking why I don’t talk to them anymore. Deep sigh*
Also, I found that the majority of older guys (30’s and 40’s) tended to be very patronizing. It was almost like talking to one of my older family members. I got that “I’m never wrong because I’m older” type of vibe from a lot of them. And I refuse to deal with that ideology in my dating life. My age doesn’t invalidate my thoughts or opinions.
Overall, dating has thrown me out of my comfort zone, and I’m happy for it. If anything I’m learning things about myself that I would never have known if I hadn’t had these experiences.
I’m not looking to tie the knot anytime soon, but a close companionship would be nice. So, wish me luck…I’m going to need it.